Will you be able to make a living doing that?
That voice. I was 25 years into my career with the credentials, titles, and track record. And the moment I let myself actually dream about what I wanted next, there it was. Not encouragement. Not curiosity. That familiar pull in two directions at once: wanting something, and immediately dismantling it before it could fully form.
If you know that bind, this post is for you.
Why Trauma Survivors Struggle to Know What They Want
Not knowing what you want makes sense when you understand where it comes from. And for trauma survivors, the reason is more specific than most people realize.
Think about what was happening during the years you were supposed to be figuring out who you are and what you care about. For many of us, those years were spent doing something else entirely. Surviving. Managing. Staying attuned to whatever the environment needed from us. Learning, very early, that focusing on other people’s needs was how you stayed safe.
When that’s the lesson your nervous system absorbed, the question what do I want? doesn’t just go unanswered. It starts to feel irrelevant. Even dangerous. Like something other people get to ask, but not you.
So you get to adulthood, or mid-career, or your fifties, and the question still feels impossible. The question feels impossible because you never really got to practice finding the answer.
And so you stay quiet. You stay small. You stop listening to the voice of buried desire, and take the path that feels safe.
Now It’s Your Turn
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. This experience is far more common among trauma survivors than anyone talks about. The not knowing. The staying small. The path that feels safe but never quite feels right.
And it doesn’t have to stay this way.
Change is possible. I know that can be hard to believe when you’ve spent decades becoming what other people needed you to be. When your own desires have been so far down the list that you’ve stopped expecting to reach them.
But you’ve waited long enough. And now it’s your turn.
The first step is simply this: start noticing what you’re drawn to, without judging it or talking yourself out of it. Not a plan. Not a decision. Just noticing.
If you want to go deeper on this, subscribe to the Resilient Career Academy below. It’s where I write about exactly this, every week.
Starting to Listen Again
Engaging with your own desires after years of silence is not a dramatic moment of clarity. It doesn’t arrive all at once.
It starts small. A passing thought you almost dismiss. A moment where something catches your attention and you notice, really notice, before the doubt moves in. Those moments are the beginning.
It can also feel unfamiliar. Even unsafe. When you’ve spent years learning that your own wants were irrelevant or too risky to voice, turning toward them can feel strange. Like you’re doing something you’re not supposed to do.
That’s your nervous system doing what it learned to do. It doesn’t mean stop. It means go slowly.
And underneath all of it is the work of learning to trust yourself again. Not all at once. Not with a grand declaration. But in small, quiet moments of choosing to stay with what you notice rather than talking yourself out of it.
That’s where it begins.
Not knowing what you want was never about time. It was about what you were carrying.
I’d love to hear from you. Drop a comment and let me know which of these lands closest for you right now:
The voice in my head when I dare to want something sounds like...
Where I am in my own journey with this is...
If I knew I couldn’t fail, I would...
The part of this post that resonated most was...
There are no wrong answers. And you don’t have to share more than you’re comfortable with. Just knowing you’re here matters.
If you’re ready to start setting some of that down, a free discovery call is a good place to start. No agenda, no pressure. Just a real conversation about where you are and what support could actually look like. You can find the link at cyndibennettconsulting.com/contact.
And if you want to go deeper on where this comes from, I talk about it personally in Episode 52 of Your Trauma-Wise Career Guide. Find it wherever you listen.
Cyndi Bennett is a trauma-informed career coach and founder of the Resilient Career Academy. She hosts the Your Trauma-Wise Career Guide podcast.
You get it -- you really get it. I always suspected I was not alone in what you describe, and I'm relieved to know that I was probably right. I'm sorry to know others are suffering, but if this is a known thing, then there must be hope for overcoming it.
Sometimes when I recognize something that I want, that I want to do, that captures my interest, it's as if a wall immediately appears between that thing and me, blocking my way from moving forward. I feel it in my chest and my throat.
I'm sure looking forward to the discovery call with you next week. (I scheduled it several weeks ago).
Good article.